Bridal Showers and Perspective

At a bridal shower for a dear friend this weekend, I watched as people started to arrive, presents piling up, sounds of giggles and laughter filled the air...I watched the bride-to-be so happy, grinning from ear to ear, beaming with love and excitement...I smiled watching her open every gift and watched her squeal with glee, she was so grateful, so humbled each time...

I started thinking back to that time in my life, where everything was exciting and the future was so bright.  I remember thinking everything would be better after we were married.  I chuckle now thinking about it, because laundry is still laundry and cleaning is still cleaning, and after the newness of the newlywed stage is over, the laundry and the cleaning are still just laundry and cleaning...

I remember saying our vows, they were heartfelt and meaningful then, but how much more they mean now...We have endured the reality of those words in ways I would have never imagined. 

It is so easy to forget the value and excitement of something after the newness has worn off.  After the parties are over.  What a tragedy to forget what it was like before, when you yearned for something so, only to lose the joy of it finally being yours. 

I often say the same thing of our infertility journey...sometimes I think if everyone had to go through something like this, it would change parenting forever...there would be less Facebook complaints about the time-change when babies wake up too early,  and less mentions of never being able to finish a sentence...parents would remember the times that their longing for a little voice to interrupt or wake them up too early would take their breath away...they would remember what it was like to ache for a child that might never come. 

I cried on the way home from that shower.  Overwhelmed with thankfulness for my husband and our life, the love we have. The patience and grace he gives me.  Even though it has been a hard season, there was a time I did not think he would be mine, and he is...and it is so much better than I could have imagined.  

It is so easy to lose perspective, and a giddy, gleaming bride-to-be is just what I needed to remind me of how blessed I am to have had that too...to still have it. 

Bittersweet...

I sat on my couch Friday evening with this book in hand...I read this book earlier this year and it spoke to my heart so much that I picked it up again and started skimming through the pages.  

When I read this book earlier this year, I laughed out loud at times and I cried...a lot.  If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.  It is a honest and raw look at life in every season.  Stories of hope and heartache and ones that will make your yearn for closer relationships with friends and family, stories of change. 

There was a section of the book that jumped out to me the other day and I just kept reading it over and over...trying to let the truth of the statement sink in to my heart.

        “When you haven’t yet had your heart really broken, the gospel isn’t about death and rebirth. It’s about life and more life. It’s about hope and possibility and a brighter future. And it is, certainly, about those things.  
 But when you’ve faced some kind of death— the loss of someone you loved dearly, the failure of a dream, the fracture of a relationship— that’s when you start understanding the central metaphor. When your life is easy, a lot of the really crucial parts of Christian doctrine and life are nice theories, but you don’t really need them. When, however, death of any kind is staring you in the face, all of a sudden rebirth and new life are very, very important to you.” -Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

 There is such truth to this statement.  Truth that makes me feel better and worse at the same time.  In our struggle with infertility, there are moments where I have felt so abandon by God and yet I know without Him I couldn't have faced this.  The other day I was texting back and forth with a friend who also struggled with infertility for years and at one point I sent her a text that said, "I know He can do anything", and my response shocked me even as I typed it...what was this? Renewed hope? Faith growing from a cold and doubtful heart?

That week had been one of my lowest points of this 3 1/2 year journey and yet I felt like God was speaking to my heart words that when spoken to me by others have often made me shutter. 

The truth of God's love and the basis of this life of faith is all about redemption and rebirth.  Making all things new.  Turning our mourning into dancing.  Faith that shows us that He can do anything.  Truths of which were mere doctrines before, and ones I would have never experienced or really known without this journey.

My prayer is that I will never forget what this is like.   The moments of heartache,  the moments of crying in the bathroom at work, moments of shear fear and panic I get when realize how long we have been here....waiting...when the time comes when we can celebrate new life, my prayer is that I will be constantly reminded of those moments of heartache and how they have taught me what this walk of faith is all about.  Without pain, we would never understand His redemption and the rebirth that He promises if we believe.

New Year...

At the end of 2012, the three year mark of our journey of infertility, we kind of hit a wall...I say we lightly, as I was the one who had a full-out breakdown, but we both had pretended too long, held it together too much, and I could feel myself falling a part...in every way, physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I woke up New Years Day and just had this moment where I knew I had to be intentional this year about a couple of things...

1st...our health...We started exercising three times a week, started being more intentional about what we eat, we both needed this, and I have been shocked at the closeness it has brought us to accomplish this together.. life is full of things we can't control, this is one we can...so far, so good.

2nd...our relationships...let me say, that infertility for us has been a lot of things, but one thing we didn't count on was the people who wouldn't stick around or the ones who would back away...the isolation we would feel...people get awkward and uncomfortable with messy issues, like infertility, people don't know what to say, so they say nothing...if there is one thing this season has taught me, it is to always say something...send that card, make that phone call, send that text, give that gift, send those flowers...people need to know they can count on us in good times, but especially in tough seasons....messy or not.  I want to be the tears with mascara all over the face, midnight phone call, bringing-dinner- over  kind of friend.  We have to be intentional about our relationships...

I would like to say thank you to those few, the ones who did send the messages to encourage us or just to let us know you were praying for us...those messages have always been appreciated more than you know.

I'm hopeful for 2013...

Happy New Year! 

A Time to Celebrate

There are seasons in life that call for more celebration than others. There are seasons in life that make it hard to celebrate at all. For us, this season has been that of the latter...however, as our birthdays approached, we decided to make a choice to celebrate and splurge a little too!

So for Matt that meant, having a few close friends over for a small gathering (sometimes fewer is better) with all his favorite brunch foods, a weekend to relax and go to Fork and Screen ( a movie theater where you can eat at the same time) in Downtown Disney and drum-roll please....a X-BOX (long awaited and much deserved).

For me that meant going to the Strawberry Festival, picking out a wedding band to go with my engagement ring (took a while to find the perfect one), a special day at work with my co-workers, a homemade from-scratch chocolate cake that my husband made, dinner out and a quiet night at home with one of my besties and her husband to end the evening.

We are blessed and finding ways to celebrate our life together...there will seasons of grief/heartache, but there will also be many seasons of joy...and in every moment, we are learning to grasp at the good in them all.

We are so blessed with wonderful family and friends who have stood with us and helped us to celebrate our birthdays...Its one of my favorite times of the year!

Matt's Birthday Cake



The 4 Layer Chocolate Cake Matt made for me from scratch

My Ring