Control...

Next month we will have our two year anniversary...crazy how fast it has gone by...as most of you know, about 6 months into our marriage, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we weren't, and we were incredibly disappointed. It was at that moment, we said, lets just see what happens...we knew we wanted a family, a relatively big family and we were excited about the possibilities....

Here we are...almost one year and a half later...

I have always had issues with control...most of the time, I am able to channel it into a positive attribute in areas like, being an incredibly hard worker, a motivated leader, or planner ect....I'd like to say my ability to manage/control things is one of my best/worst qualities. I've always been one of those people who did everything in "my control" to make things happen...I'll do everything I can do, if I really want something...I'm a fighter...for love, at work, for what I know is right, for what I deserve...and so far, its worked out pretty well for me. While knowing that God leads and guides us and makes things happen, I have always felt confident, that I would never not get something because I didn't do my part in making it happen. I always felt like, God would be proud He could always count on me not to be lazy or expecting Him to it all...and yet in that...Ive held control.

Infertility, however, no matter how much I/we have done our part...its not working...thus far...and just like I do, Ive done everything I can do so far...lots of testing, weight loss, eating healthy, you name it...we've done it...and nothing.

I find myself on most days, trusting and confident that we will have children one day...somehow...but there are some days, I'm like the two year old having a breakdown in the middle of a mall...tired, frustrated, angry---I find myself wanting to pitch a fit...its crazy, but its real. Its out of my control...I've done my part...and yet, (I'm about to get raw) I feel like He isn't doing His...notice I said feel, because I'm not naive enough to believe that to be true, however, I feel that way...and for me...that has been hard.

This season, although very trying for me, has been so growing...I feel like a different person...I'm much more sober to the fact that without God we are nothing and despite Him working on our behalf, we would have nothing...I'm grateful. Looking forward to what's ahead with hope...