Saturday

Today, is what I would call a "lazy" day. We had some plans fall through at the last minute, so we decided to just relax today since the next few weeks will be a whirlwind of traveling for the holidays.

I made homemade biscuits with sausage for breakfast and then for the rest of the morning we watched movies. It has been wonderful. I don't remember the last time we had a "lazy" day together.

We are going to a friends house tonight for dinner---I'm bringing dessert--and I'm making
these----->

Peanut Butter Cup Cookies: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (177 degrees C) and place rack in the center of the oven. Butter, or spray with a non stick vegetable spray, 48 miniature muffins tins. In a bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. In the bowl of your electric mixer (or with a hand mixer), beat the butter. Add the sugars and beat until light and fluffy (about 2 - 3 minutes). Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in the vanilla extract . Add the flour mixture and beat just until incorporated. Fill each miniature muffin cup with about one tablespoon of batter. Bake the cookies for about 8 minutes, or until the cookies are lightly browned around the edges but still soft in the center. (Note: While the cookies are baking remove the foil wraps and paper liners from each peanut butter cup.) Remove the cookies from the oven, and gently press one miniature peanut butter cup into the center of each cookie. The peanut butter cup should be even with the top of the batter. Return the cookies to the oven and bake an additional 3 minutes or until cookies are golden brown. Remove from oven and cool completely (about two hours) on a wire rack before removing the cookies from the pan. These can be stored for several days at room temperature or in the refrigerator, or they can be frozen. Makes about 48 cookies

Peanut Butter Cup Cookies:

2 1/2 cups (325 grams) all purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (226 grams) unsalted butter, room temperature

3/4 cup (160 grams) light brown sugar

3/4 cup (150 grams) granulated white sugar

2 large eggs

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Garnish:

48 miniature peanut butter cups

more: http://www.joyofbaking.com/PeanutButterCupCookies.html#ixzz18UPi7wNy

6 days until Christmas...I can't wait. Try to enjoy some down-time before the big rush...we certainly have today. Happy Saturday Everyone!

My Husband

I just want to take a second to talk about how wonderful my husband is...I fail so many times at truly telling him how great I think He is and I want to take a moment to brag on him a little.

I have a husband who does laundry (probably more than I do) and who does the dishes quite often without even being asked. On weeks where work is very stressful for me he has been known to clean the whole house and on occasion, pick my car up from work and take it to be cleaned and washed.

I have a husband who never complains, and always encourages. He is the first one to offer to help others...when I am sad or having a rough day, he is the first to say "lets hug it out." He is so patient, always forgiving and slow to anger.

I have a husband who didnt eat any vegtables when we got married, but now wants to know if Ill make broccoli for dinner because he now loves it. (It helps that I am a good cook :)

He send me flowers at work on days he knows I need them the most and makes me laugh all the time...He is so sweet.

We are complete opposites, however, his laid back personality has helped me learn to relax and enjoy life--he makes me better.

I love him more now than the day we got married, every moment keeps getting better--Im so lucky to be his wife!

Emmanuel-God With Us.

Today, I came home from work early with a headache and I sat quietly on the couch with my eyes closed and I started thinking about this year, thinking about Christmas. I love Christmas, its my favorite time of year, and yet this year, I have not felt as excited as usual.  My normal excitement about lights and red cups at Starbucks, shopping, ect has been very dim compared to years past.  I sat there thinking, "this is not me", "God, where am I in there?" As I sat there, breathing in and out, I could feel God melting down the walls around my heart, literally, I had this feeling that He was right there with me, and I could sense His strength and joy filling my heart--I needed to be reminded.

See, about a year ago this time, we started trying to get pregnant, we were so ready, and convinced that within just a short time, it would be.  Little did I know that one year and one miscarriage later, I would be sitting on my couch on a cold afternoon with tear-filled eyes, still waiting, still hoping and wondering how this became our story. How could this be happening to "us"?

This year has worn me down, month after month of frustration, and yet, everytime, I'm reminded of all He has done and the strength that comes in knowing we belong to Him. 

I'm reminded today, the whole reason we even celebrate Christmas is because God sent His son, Jesus, to come to earth so He could understand us, and know exactly what we are going through. He is Emmanuel, God with us, no matter what, no matter how long, He is here with us.

Friends

Today, me and my girlfriends from college got together for the day---we don't all live in Lakeland anymore, so its the first time all four of us have been together in quite a while. We had lunch and shopped and talked, typical girl day. I kept soaking in every minute, not wanting the day to come to an end. See, the tragedy is, that most of my close friends don't even live in the same town. We have to settle for texting and phone calls and visits every few months. Don't get me wrong, I have other friends, and I know a lot of people here, but there something about being with people that I have a history with that warms my heart. There is something special about a friendship where you don't have to give a background to every story or try to explain yourself. Friends, where you can say, "remember when..." The kind of friends that you have in each others weddings and would trust with your kids if something were to happen to you. These kinds of friends don't come along very often and I found myself grasping for every last moment as the day went on. As everyone hugged and said goodbye, I found myself tearing up, realizing I hadn't noticed the void until it was filled. My husband grabbed my hand as we walked back inside, and I couldn't help but realize what I had been missing and how my heart has missed days like today. There is something about being with people who know you, I mean really know you, that makes everything seem like its going to be ok.
I needed a day like today so badly. The last few months have really worn me down and I have struggled more than most even know, but being with my girls today was exactly what my heart needed.

If you have a friend or friends like this---text, call, visit, do whatever you need to do--hold on to dear life to those friendships---we all need them, probably more than we know.

Thankfulness Vs. Anxiety

This week at my church my pastor was talking about thankfulness being the antidote for anxiety. The idea that looking back and seeing how God has been faithful before actually develops our trust in the Lord.  For the last several months, I have really had to focus in with God on my ability to have more trust in Him. I will be on the verge of my breaking point inside before anyone on the outside even has clue that I am stressed, and although, my job is very stressful and there are things in my life that are difficult right now, that I have no control over, I have had this mindset, that God and I have this deal. Like, its ok for me to be stressed and have all this anxiety/fear because its legit.  Because, I don't worry about silly things, I worry over things that actually matter, like it somehow gives me the golden ticket with God. Like He and I have a secret handshake of some kind giving me the right to worry about on the things that He and I agree on.  I didn't realize this until Sunday in church, as I started asking God to show me the areas I needed to have more trust in Him. My job came to mind, and a few other things that I have been struggling with and I thought oh, but thats real stress, its not just worry because thats a legitimate issue, I have the right to be worried about that.  

Im sitting at work today, (quite funny, but its where I have these God thoughts all the time) and it occurred to me that He wants my whole heart and my whole trust. I hate feeling like people who should trust me don't or visa versa, people I should trust, but don't.  

Im thinking God does all these things for us thinking we will get it, thinking we will realize that He is in control.  However, the fear losing control has gripped my heart for years. Fearing the unknown.  Fearing that He may not do what He said even though I could tell you story after story of times He has come through for me.

So, this week, I am determining in my heart to trust, to rest in the goodness of God and to remember with a grateful heart all He has done. There have been times in my life that I was so sure that God would fail me or felt as if He had, but there is not one time I can tell you of that God's plan was not the best plan. Never to fail me or harm me, but to give me the life I've hope for.  He really is a good God, and He knows me better than anyone else, I want to learn to trust Him more.  Let the journey begin! 

God Thoughts-Forgiveness at Work

So for about a year now, it seems like God places people on my heart to pray for, but He does it through dreams.  It seems most of the people God does this with are people I was close to at one point in my life, but not close with now.  For instance, I have had numerous dreams about a guy I was good friends with when I was at Christ For the Nations, it was a relationship that brought me much heart break, even though looking back now, it was just a good mix of immaturity, miscommunication and crazy feelings it took me a few years to really be able to think of this person and not feel pain.  He is now married and I don't really know his wife, but they have been on my heart for about a year now and I have dreams about them all them time, both of them.  I have not talked to him in years, not for about five years to be exact, but its a crazy thought that God would use me, someone states away, to lift them up in prayer.  I have no idea what they are going through, or what God is up to in their lives, but God must think it's pretty important, that he would wake me up in the middle of the night and taunt my heart during the day, with God-thoughts for them. 

I have always wondered how you know if you have really forgiven someone.  Like I said before my heart was broken by this person--it was probably one of the greatest heart breaks of my life, and yet, years later, I'm in my car on the way to work, with tear filled-eyes praying for him and his wife, asking God to show up for them.  I'd say that's how you know forgiveness has done its work.  

I have been a christian for a long time, but every day I realize it really is a journey.  Every day, God is teaching me things and every now and then, I look back and realize how far I have come. 

Just a Reminder

I heard this song today, my eyes full of tears...sometimes we just need to be reminded----My heart sings, Hallelujah, He has won the victory, Hallelujah, He has won it all for me. Thank you, Lord for speaking to my soul today.

Planetshakers - The Anthem from swider8814 on Vimeo.

Strength

Saturday, when I found myself having a melt-down in my car, I thought to myself, "I can't be the only one". I can't be the only with fears that seem to suffocate me at times, and I can't be the only one that questions things and I can't be the only one who thinks to themselves, "this shouldn't still hurt, I should be over this by now."
I certainly can't be the only one who wonders if they have failed, failed as a friend, as a wife, as Christ-Follower. In that moment, with tear filled-eyes and a heavy heart, I asked the Lord to give me strength---Strength to press on and strength to trust Him. How easy it sounds and how tough it really is to trust Him.

I know I am not alone in my thoughts and fears, and I know that on any given day, there are people having these same conversations in there heart and mind. Thank goodness, our strength is not of our own.

I was reminded a few verses of a song I heard a while back...

When the tears keep pouring down,
And my lips can't make a sound,
I know You hear my prayer,
And Your strength is always there!

I look to You to find my strength.
Carry me to the end of my days!
A steady hand to lead me through,
Arms of faith to bring me back to You!
I will keep my eyes on love,
Set my heart on things above!
When my soul is so afraid,
I look to You to find my strength!

Girlfriends

When I was in college, it was a rarity to not be with friends. The memories of those incredible times in my life with friends still rumble through my mind when I lay in bed at night or while driving to work. There are a few friends that I still connect with on a regular basis and I consider them to be gems, however, now that real life has happened to us all, it more difficult to cultivate the good ole' days, as some call it. We are lucky if we can get a few texts out or make a phone call here and there, its awful really.

Today, however, I spent the day with my longtime friend Laura. Laura and I met in college when we both joined the Student Body Leadership Council. Through the years of college and hereafter we have remained close and being adults with her has been great!
Today, we had some ultimate girl-time---shopping, talking, coffee, lunch. It was so nice to get away for a while with one of my girls. There is something about girl-talk that soothes a hurting soul and renews a weary mind, its pretty much a must sometimes.

Anyway, today I realized one thing that--- no matter what life brings our way, no matter how far we live a part, girlfriends are necessary and they are part of our life support.

Sometimes we just need a day away with one of the girls!

1 Year and Counting...

Today is my one year anniversary... This year has gone by so fast, and even as I type, I cannot believe we are starting year two already. When we got married, people warned us that the first year is usually the hardest, and they advised it would get better, so on and so on...but I have to say, that its been an amazing year. Don't get me wrong, we have faced numerous obstacles, we have made many hard decisions, and we have had to learn our way, however nothing could have prepared me for what a rewarding year it would be. I think back to our very first date, and all the times in between and I can truly see that God has been faithful to us. Looking forward to this next year and all the adventures we will have...

Happy Anniversary Matthew, my love and very best friend. I'm so glad I married you.

Eat-Pray-Love

Last night while in Target, I picked up a book by Elizabeth Gilbert, you got it, EAT PRAY LOVE. While I don't necessarily agree with all of her thoughts on God and spirituality, the book is thought provoking. In the book she is telling a story about a time in her life where she prayed for the first time, literally crying on her bathroom floor at 3am, so desperate for an answer to her the things on her mind. Then she says all of the sudden, she hears a voice, her own voice at that, whisper, "Go back to bed", "just go back to bed". Ironically, it was the simple answer, although definitely not the answer anyone wants to hear while sobbing on the bathroom floor at 3am.

Anyway, this part of the book has been intruding my thoughts all day. So many times we are looking for God to give us an answer or a reason for something, or even for healing of our souls, because life has certainly wounded us, and taken its toll on our hearts. In my life there are times I am looking for some elaborate answer or rule book as to why things happen the way the do and yet feel I feel so offended with the idea that the answer may be "go back to bed", or "just trust me", or "stop worrying" or "get real and just relax, you are going to be fine". How can it be so simple???

So today, at GEICO, in my little cubicle, while wrestling with thoughts like, why do people who really want children have miscarriages, while people who don't want children get pregnant, or why do most of my close friends live in other states because its a tragedy we can't live near each other, or even dumb girly thoughts like, I wonder why stress causes acne....In these moments, in my very own heart, I thought to myself, "just answer your ringing phone, help customers and breathe." In that moment, that is exactly what I needed to do.

Somehow I find it funny that in life sometimes the answer to our prayers or the resolutions to our mind boggling thoughts are very simple and yet we make it so hard...