Control...

Next month we will have our two year anniversary...crazy how fast it has gone by...as most of you know, about 6 months into our marriage, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we weren't, and we were incredibly disappointed. It was at that moment, we said, lets just see what happens...we knew we wanted a family, a relatively big family and we were excited about the possibilities....

Here we are...almost one year and a half later...

I have always had issues with control...most of the time, I am able to channel it into a positive attribute in areas like, being an incredibly hard worker, a motivated leader, or planner ect....I'd like to say my ability to manage/control things is one of my best/worst qualities. I've always been one of those people who did everything in "my control" to make things happen...I'll do everything I can do, if I really want something...I'm a fighter...for love, at work, for what I know is right, for what I deserve...and so far, its worked out pretty well for me. While knowing that God leads and guides us and makes things happen, I have always felt confident, that I would never not get something because I didn't do my part in making it happen. I always felt like, God would be proud He could always count on me not to be lazy or expecting Him to it all...and yet in that...Ive held control.

Infertility, however, no matter how much I/we have done our part...its not working...thus far...and just like I do, Ive done everything I can do so far...lots of testing, weight loss, eating healthy, you name it...we've done it...and nothing.

I find myself on most days, trusting and confident that we will have children one day...somehow...but there are some days, I'm like the two year old having a breakdown in the middle of a mall...tired, frustrated, angry---I find myself wanting to pitch a fit...its crazy, but its real. Its out of my control...I've done my part...and yet, (I'm about to get raw) I feel like He isn't doing His...notice I said feel, because I'm not naive enough to believe that to be true, however, I feel that way...and for me...that has been hard.

This season, although very trying for me, has been so growing...I feel like a different person...I'm much more sober to the fact that without God we are nothing and despite Him working on our behalf, we would have nothing...I'm grateful. Looking forward to what's ahead with hope...

Hopeful...

"May you soon be immensely blessed with the little pitter patter of feet running around your home." I sit and read these hopeful words that a friend wrote to me a few months ago and my heart is hopeful. Sometimes, I read that phrase over and over to bring some comfort to my soul.

Doctors appointments. tests. highs. lows. discouraged. hopeful. afraid. disappointed. determined. Fighting back the tears. Saying over and over again to myself, as if I'm rehearsing the lines of a script, "God let your perfect love take away all my fears."

I'm hopeful that God has a plan, I'm still learning to believe. Lord, help my unbelief.

The Result of Cooking Deprivation...

I just returned home from two weeks in Virgina Beach work training...needless to say, I was in a hotel room without a kitchen for two weeks and for me that was tragic.

Saturday, I woke up with an urge to cook...I made 2 flat Apple Pies from The Pioneer Woman Cookbook I got for Christmas. This was a delicious dessert that we topped with some vanilla ice cream. It was not hard to make and it was delightful.

I thought Id share the recipe with you...Hope you try it out

Flat Apple Pie
Makes 2 Pies

Freshly—picked Granny smith apples from Aisle 7 in our local A&P.

• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• Juice of ½ lemon
• ½ cup granulated sugar
• ½ cup firmly packed brown sugar
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• 1 recipe Perfect Pie Crust (below; makes 2 crusts)
• 4 tablespoons (½ stick) butter

1. Preheat the oven to 375ºF. In a large bowl, stir together the apples, flour, lemon juice, granulated sugar, brown sugar, and salt. Set aside.

2. Roll out two pie crusts into large circles. Place the circles on large baking sheets.

3. Place half the apple mixture on one crust and the other half on the other crust.

4. Fold over the edge of each crust so that it covers 2 to 3 inches of the apple mixture. No need to be artistic—the more rustic the better.

5. Dot the tops of the pies with chunks of butter.

6. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, until the filling is golden and bubbly. If the crust appears to brown too quickly, cover the edges with aluminum foil for the remaining baking time.

Note: If you have two ovens, it’s best to bake the pies separately. If not, just allow enough room between racks so the heat can circulate properly.

7. Allow to cool slightly, then slice into wedges with a pizza cutter. Eat ’em on the go!

Variation:

For extra sweetness, drizzle on jarred caramel topping after removing the pie from the oven.

Perfect Pie Crust
Makes two to three 9-inch pie crusts

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1½ cups vegetable shortening
• 1 egg
• 5 tablespoons cold water
• 1 tablespoon distilled white vinegar

1. Combine the flour and salt in a large bowl.

2. Add in the shortening. Using a pastry cutter (or your hands), gradually work the shortening into the flour until the mixture resembles tiny pebbles. This step should take 3 or 4 minutes.

3. Lightly beat the egg with a fork, then add it to the mixture. Next, add in the cold water and vinegar. Stir the mixture together until it’s just combined, then remove half of the dough from the bowl.

4. Place in a large plastic bag (do not seal) and slightly flatten with a rolling pin. This makes it much easier to roll out the crust later. After flattening, seal the bag tightly. Repeat with the other half of the dough and place the plastic bags in the freezer until ready to use.

Note: Dividing the dough in half results in two pretty generous pie crusts. If you desire a thinner crust, you may divide the dough into three crusts.

5. When you’re ready to use a crust, remove one from the freezer and allow it to sit on the counter to thaw slightly, about 20 minutes. Remove from the bag and place on a lightly floured surface.

Saturday

Today, is what I would call a "lazy" day. We had some plans fall through at the last minute, so we decided to just relax today since the next few weeks will be a whirlwind of traveling for the holidays.

I made homemade biscuits with sausage for breakfast and then for the rest of the morning we watched movies. It has been wonderful. I don't remember the last time we had a "lazy" day together.

We are going to a friends house tonight for dinner---I'm bringing dessert--and I'm making
these----->

Peanut Butter Cup Cookies: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (177 degrees C) and place rack in the center of the oven. Butter, or spray with a non stick vegetable spray, 48 miniature muffins tins. In a bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. In the bowl of your electric mixer (or with a hand mixer), beat the butter. Add the sugars and beat until light and fluffy (about 2 - 3 minutes). Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in the vanilla extract . Add the flour mixture and beat just until incorporated. Fill each miniature muffin cup with about one tablespoon of batter. Bake the cookies for about 8 minutes, or until the cookies are lightly browned around the edges but still soft in the center. (Note: While the cookies are baking remove the foil wraps and paper liners from each peanut butter cup.) Remove the cookies from the oven, and gently press one miniature peanut butter cup into the center of each cookie. The peanut butter cup should be even with the top of the batter. Return the cookies to the oven and bake an additional 3 minutes or until cookies are golden brown. Remove from oven and cool completely (about two hours) on a wire rack before removing the cookies from the pan. These can be stored for several days at room temperature or in the refrigerator, or they can be frozen. Makes about 48 cookies

Peanut Butter Cup Cookies:

2 1/2 cups (325 grams) all purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (226 grams) unsalted butter, room temperature

3/4 cup (160 grams) light brown sugar

3/4 cup (150 grams) granulated white sugar

2 large eggs

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Garnish:

48 miniature peanut butter cups

more: http://www.joyofbaking.com/PeanutButterCupCookies.html#ixzz18UPi7wNy

6 days until Christmas...I can't wait. Try to enjoy some down-time before the big rush...we certainly have today. Happy Saturday Everyone!

My Husband

I just want to take a second to talk about how wonderful my husband is...I fail so many times at truly telling him how great I think He is and I want to take a moment to brag on him a little.

I have a husband who does laundry (probably more than I do) and who does the dishes quite often without even being asked. On weeks where work is very stressful for me he has been known to clean the whole house and on occasion, pick my car up from work and take it to be cleaned and washed.

I have a husband who never complains, and always encourages. He is the first one to offer to help others...when I am sad or having a rough day, he is the first to say "lets hug it out." He is so patient, always forgiving and slow to anger.

I have a husband who didnt eat any vegtables when we got married, but now wants to know if Ill make broccoli for dinner because he now loves it. (It helps that I am a good cook :)

He send me flowers at work on days he knows I need them the most and makes me laugh all the time...He is so sweet.

We are complete opposites, however, his laid back personality has helped me learn to relax and enjoy life--he makes me better.

I love him more now than the day we got married, every moment keeps getting better--Im so lucky to be his wife!

Emmanuel-God With Us.

Today, I came home from work early with a headache and I sat quietly on the couch with my eyes closed and I started thinking about this year, thinking about Christmas. I love Christmas, its my favorite time of year, and yet this year, I have not felt as excited as usual.  My normal excitement about lights and red cups at Starbucks, shopping, ect has been very dim compared to years past.  I sat there thinking, "this is not me", "God, where am I in there?" As I sat there, breathing in and out, I could feel God melting down the walls around my heart, literally, I had this feeling that He was right there with me, and I could sense His strength and joy filling my heart--I needed to be reminded.

See, about a year ago this time, we started trying to get pregnant, we were so ready, and convinced that within just a short time, it would be.  Little did I know that one year and one miscarriage later, I would be sitting on my couch on a cold afternoon with tear-filled eyes, still waiting, still hoping and wondering how this became our story. How could this be happening to "us"?

This year has worn me down, month after month of frustration, and yet, everytime, I'm reminded of all He has done and the strength that comes in knowing we belong to Him. 

I'm reminded today, the whole reason we even celebrate Christmas is because God sent His son, Jesus, to come to earth so He could understand us, and know exactly what we are going through. He is Emmanuel, God with us, no matter what, no matter how long, He is here with us.

Friends

Today, me and my girlfriends from college got together for the day---we don't all live in Lakeland anymore, so its the first time all four of us have been together in quite a while. We had lunch and shopped and talked, typical girl day. I kept soaking in every minute, not wanting the day to come to an end. See, the tragedy is, that most of my close friends don't even live in the same town. We have to settle for texting and phone calls and visits every few months. Don't get me wrong, I have other friends, and I know a lot of people here, but there something about being with people that I have a history with that warms my heart. There is something special about a friendship where you don't have to give a background to every story or try to explain yourself. Friends, where you can say, "remember when..." The kind of friends that you have in each others weddings and would trust with your kids if something were to happen to you. These kinds of friends don't come along very often and I found myself grasping for every last moment as the day went on. As everyone hugged and said goodbye, I found myself tearing up, realizing I hadn't noticed the void until it was filled. My husband grabbed my hand as we walked back inside, and I couldn't help but realize what I had been missing and how my heart has missed days like today. There is something about being with people who know you, I mean really know you, that makes everything seem like its going to be ok.
I needed a day like today so badly. The last few months have really worn me down and I have struggled more than most even know, but being with my girls today was exactly what my heart needed.

If you have a friend or friends like this---text, call, visit, do whatever you need to do--hold on to dear life to those friendships---we all need them, probably more than we know.